Jayce (vea29) wrote,
Jayce
vea29

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Personal rant...Beware...



Okay...Have you ever been at that point where you just don't care about anything or anyone anymore?  Cause I'm there...I know, it won't last, I'll get over it, whatever.  But, for right now, at this particular point in time, I just don't give a flying fuck...I am just so sick and tired of pretty much everything and everyone in my life right now...Friends, family, job, house, yard, pets...you name it and I'm tired of it.  I know you guys don't really care, but I gotta get this crap out of my system somewhere, and I just don't have anywhere else to do it...So, let's start with the pets part 'cause it will be the shortest...

Why am I sick and tired of my little, fuzzy angels?  I'm tired of cleaning up animal crap...scooping it up out of the yard, changing litter boxes, picking it up off the floor...I'm tired of walking into my closet or bathroom and smelling crap.  I'm tired of walking into my backyard and smelling crap.  I'm tired of vacuuming up hair only to see that it's still there.  Blond dog on black rug...black and gray cats on ivory sofas...I'm tired of tripping over them and not being able to put my foot down without looking to make sure someone isn't getting stepped on.  I'm tired of yelling at the cats to stay out of places they aren't supposed to be or to shut the hell up because they are meowing at nothing while I'm watching T.V.  I'm tired of spending a fortune on cat food and lugging around 30 lb. cat litter bags.  I'm sick of spending a fortune on dog food that she turns her nose up at and then expects me to give her treats instead.  I'm tired of going out in the rain and cold and humidity and heat to feed the strays in the backyard twice a day...I'm over trying to hold down a squirming ball of tangled fluff just to brush out the mats so he doesn't swallow them and cough up hairballs.  I'm over holding a jittery, tugging paw just so I can clip the nails so they don't hurt each other or me with them.  Look, I'm all for pets, and I much prefer their company to that of humans most days.  In fact, I often tell people that I don't have/want children because I have pets...But, sometimes the care and responsibility just get a little overwhelming...

Moving on...why am I sick of my yard and my house?  I've spent quite a bit of money making this house and yard look nice...making it look like nice, responsible people live here.  We've completely refurnished everything.  I only just completed the front landscaping.  And, if I do say so, my house and yard are pretty nice to look at...when they are clean.  I know.  It's part of adulthood and home-ownership, etc.  But, every now and then I'm just a whiny teenager again..."I don't wanna clean my room!!!"  But, dishes have got to be washed; dinner has to be cooked; vacuuming has to be done; dusting needs to get done; glass needs to be cleaned; yard has to be fertilized, edged, mowed, watered, sprayed for bugs; flower bed has to be watered and weeded; kitchen needs to be mopped; bathrooms need to be cleaned; laundry has to get done; trash and recycling have to go out...and guess who gets to do it...all of it...With Kim in school and working until all hours and the dog resistant to training as a housekeeper, then that leaves yours truly...Oh, yeah...and somewhere in there I've got to fit in a 40 hour work week...

Which leads me to my job...which I won't mention too much about since I've ranted about it before...let's just say things on that front have not improved.  I had a light at the end of the tunnel pop up in a job opening at my sister's company...I subbed my resume, was told I was in line for an interview, got all hopeful...only to learn from my sister that before I even got my interview, they had hired someone else...well, there went that light...

So why don't I ask my friends and family to help out?  Or why don't I talk to them instead of posting on LJ to a bunch of strangers that couldn't really care less?  Well, my friends are as sweet as they come and I love them desperately, but they aren't what you would call reliable.  They tend to back out of plans more than they follow through with them.  They tend to forget more than they remember.  And, yet, I'm expected to remember and be available at all times...or endure some form of guilt trip.  My best friend, God love her, has endured more than her share of medical issues and continues to go through them.  So, I try to be understanding with her, but understanding only goes so far.  I mean, (and, I know how this sounds, please forgive me) she had kidney cancer, so they removed her kidney.  Now, they want to remove her thyroid, but she's refusing more surgery.  They haven't found more cancer; it's a precaution due to her history and abnormal tests.  Now, I'm trying my damndest to be understanding...but you know what?  Cancer isn't the only life-altering medical condition in the world...I have Rheumatoid Arthritis...It's painful and it's damaging and its life-changing...and they can't come in and take something out and it be fixed...I have to live with this for my entire life...with it effecting every aspect of my entire life...Medications up the wazoo with side effects that can include hair loss and susceptibility to infection.  Also, they cost a fortune.  I am in pretty much constant pain, which I'm told to manage with over the counter drugs because doctors these days are pussies and scared to give you anything that will actually help...I also have Polycystic Ovarian Disease, which basically means that I get ovarian cysts once a month that can and have, in the past, ruptured.  I'm on birth-control pills to help keep the size of the cysts minimal so they don't rupture...doesn't mean they don't happen and that it doesn't hurt...just means I won't end up in the E.R. like I did last time one ruptured.  So, I try to be understanding of my friend's medical issues, but, damn it, she isn't the only one who hurts...she's not the only one who could use a friend every now and then...

And, her daughters, while also sweet and very special to me, just forget things....they just don't think about stuff, I guess.  I ask them about plans we've made and they've forgotten or didn't think the plans were set or forget to tell each other about it so the other one has made plans...I know they don't mean any harm...truly, they are as harmless as it gets.  Just sometimes it would be nice if I was important enough to remember, you know?

Now, my family...now, my friends pretty much are my family except for my dad and sister.  My sister is going back to school, which I am very proud of her for.  She's working full time, working on volunteer hours for her scholarship,  and keeping up  a full time schedule with classes.  And, I'm trying to be understanding of how exhausting that must be...but if she can make time for her friends, it would be nice if she could make time for me, too...She can make time to go to dinner with them, hang at their house and play games or watch movies, etc.  But, when she comes home (once in a blue moon that she does get home at a decent) she's always got school work to do or she's so tired...anything but having time to help me with housework or even to sit and talk...It's like her life is too busy for personal stuff...unless it's her friends.  Her friends, she can make time for...but me?  Nah...not worth the effort...

And, my dad...well, he's a project in himself.  I'm 30 years old and he acts as though I'm 12.  Like I have to be told everything, I can't make responsible decisions, I never think anything through...I have to tell him almost daily to keep his nose out of my checkbook.  He seems surprised pretty much every time I do something right, such as planting my rose bushes without his help...30 years hes been acting this way...does he have any idea what that does to someone's self-image?  To know you are always second-guessed and checked up on?  To never be trusted to take care of things on your own?  Pretty much destroys it, let me tell you.

I'm just so done right now...I'm so over caring about these things...I'm sick and tired of feeling like everyone in my life has better or more important things to worry about than me.  Just once in my life, I would like someone to put me first...to think, without prompting, "What would Jenn like to do?" or "What can I do for Jenn, to help her out?" instead of "I don't have time/energy for that right now...Jenn will understand."  I'm tired of understanding.  I'm tired of being "okay" with everything.  Damn it, sometimes I'm not okay with it....I'm not okay with being forgotten or dismissed or doubted....I'm not okay with being put on the back burner every time something else more interesting comes up...I'm important, too...at least, I thought I was...

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